A Grim Life
by TiredRaven
Summary: A four or five chapter look at Sirius Black's life, starting the night of the Potters' murders. Each chapter is a songfic. First up 'Prelude 1221' by AFI. NOW: 'Back to You' by Bryan Adams.
1. Prelude 1221

In other fics, I have informed you that I do not own Harry Potter. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I tell my lawyer that I do, he keeps on saying something about 'suing.' Innit _that _weird?

Oh, and he seems to think that I didn't write the song 'Prelude 12/21.' Hm. I must have written something else. No matter.

So, he told me to put this at the beginning of the story:

I do not own, nor will I ever own, Harry Potter or 'Prelude 12/21.' But, boy, I wish I did.

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_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promise you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep…_

"NO!" Sirius yelled. "No, no, no! I was not that wrong… I could not have been that wrong!"

Sirius focused on finding James, Lily, and Harry. When the house flashed into his mind he cursed himself. He had been so bloody stupid. Peter had betrayed them. Not Moony—of course it hadn't been Moony—the traitor had been Peter! How had he been that stupid?

Maybe… maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe he could still save them. Maybe he could get there on time… just…

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promise you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep…_

Sirius ran up to the house and threw his motorcycle onto the ground. He heard Harry's desperate cries and immediately knew he wasn't on time. He was too late.

As much as he wanted to, he didn't turn around and try to find Peter. No, James and Lily deserved much better than that. They deserved so much more than that.

He walked into the house. The first thing that greeted him was James' body sprawled across the floor. Sirius ran over to his best friends body. His best friend. He… he had killed him. Why couldn't he trust himself? Damn it, why couldn't he ever trust himself? He knew he was a better man than Peter, he knew it! But he couldn't allow himself to be the good person that James and Lily always knew he was. No, he always had to doubt himself.

And now they were dead because of it.

He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe. But he had to, because that was James' body on the floor. That was his very cold, very dead body.

Sirius felt hot tears on his cheeks and did not wipe them away. All the pain, all the suffering that he felt he deserved. He had killed him! He had killed one of the only people who ever truly believed in him.

He couldn't stand it anymore. He leapt over James' body and ran towards Harry's crying.

Sirius stopped dead when he saw Lily's body crumpled directly in front of Harry's crib. The poor boy was screaming uncontrollably, completely unaware of what had just happened. Sirius walked over, but couldn't bring himself to step over Lily's body.

She couldn't be dead. This baby needed her. Harry _needed _her!

Silently, he picked up his Godson. Immediately, Harry was quiet. Sirius had always had that affect on him. When his parents couldn't calm him, Sirius always could. Harry looked up at him and gave him one of his little baby smiles. The tears that had been flowing down Sirius' cheeks now gave way to full sobbing. He held Harry against his chest and fell to the ground.

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promise you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

"Sirius, I think it would be best if we give Harry to Lily's sister."

Sirius stared blankly at Dumbledore. He had to be kidding. Petunia was _evil. _Her husband was a monster. Their spawn? He didn't even want to imagine their spawn. His mouth was open, gaping. Bringing Harry to his face, he looked up at Dumbledore.

"I can't do that to Harry, Professor," he said. Dumbledore nodded his head gravely.

"It seems unfair, but it is the fairest thing we can do for him, Mr. Black. Please, do understand," Sirius nodded his head, but he didn't understand.

"This is James' baby," he said quietly. "They will never be able to accept James' baby."

"They will, Sirius," Dumbledore said equally softly. That did not comfort Sirius.

"I can't give him up! He's my Godson!" Sirius pleaded. Dumbledore held out his hands, motioning for Sirius to give him the small bundle.

"Please trust me, Sirius. This will be hard for all involved, but he must grow up normally. He must not grow up knowing what he is. When he goes back to Hogwarts, he will be thrust into the world of magic where he will undoubtedly grow hard. It is unfair to put him into a world where he will be so greatly loved and so passionately hated at such a young age. He is our savior, but he destroyed Voldemort. If we let him stay with you, I have no doubt that the most loyal of Voldemort's assistants will come to finish what their lord started. Please, consider what I am saying," Dumbledore said, his voice pleading. It scared Sirius. He hadn't even thought about what Harry was now.

It was true. Harry was no longer just Lily and James' baby. The prophecy was no longer a 'maybe.' Sirius more than anyone knew what lengths Voldemort's followers would go through to appease their lord.

For a moment he thought he wouldn't be able to do it. This little baby in his arms was the last part of James, the last part of Lily. This tiny little baby was the last representation of his best friend's happiness…. At last he shoved Harry into Dumbledore's arms and apparated away as fast as he could.

He could not watch his Godson's life disappear before his very eyes.

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promised you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

Sirius was walking through London like a wild man. Peter was somewhere near; he could feel that little rat. He could not believe, even after all these days, that Peter had done this. Peter had loved them! He had worshipped them! No matter how much time passed, Sirius could not believe that Peter had betrayed them.

But he knew he had.

Finally, Sirius saw him. He couldn't believe that after betraying James and Lily like that, he could just walk around like nothing had happened. He didn't even try to act like he was sorry about his friends' deaths.

Something within Sirius snapped.

"PETER!" he screeched. Peter saw him and immediately became pale. Sirius cornered him and started talking.

"I cannot believe you did that, Peter. Because of you, James is dead. Lily is dead. Harry's life is over," he slammed his fist right above Peter's head. "What did we ever do to you, Peter? What did we do to you? We helped you with everything! Because of us, you passed your classes. Because of us, you got your first kiss. Because of us, you weren't beaten to a pulp before the end of your school career. Because of us, you had friends. And what do you to repay us? YOU JOIN THE ENEMY AND BETRAY TWO OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS!" Peter cowered. It disgusted Sirius. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, COWERING? THIS IS YOUR FAULT, PETER! YOUR FAULT! THEY'RE DEAD, PETER! THEY'RE DEAD! James believed in me, Lily believed in me. Harry loved me, Peter. And because of you, I will never get to see any of them again.

"They were my family, Peter. My only family! I was tossed out by my parents. Disregarded by my brother. But James, Lily, and Harry? They loved me! And more than you could ever understand, I loved them. I loved them in a way that was more than just skin deep. Can't you even begin to understand that, Peter? Can you not comprehend what real love is?" Peter looked away. Sirius began to walk away. Suddenly, Peter began to yell.

"MURDERER!" he screamed. Sirius turned to look at him, his eyes red with murder. "YOU MURDERER!" he screamed again, pointing at Sirius. "You killed James and Lily! You killed them!" Peter screeched. Sirius went for his wand. He didn't care who saw this. Bloody hell, he wanted everyone to see this. Not just the wizards, the muggles too. He didn't care if he was using magic.

Peter saw this and reached his wand first. Sirius laughed out loud.

"You seriously think you can beat me?" he asked. Peter said a spell he didn't recognize. Several muggles fell to the ground, dead. Sirius looked around for Peter blindly, but could see only his. Finally, he saw a rat with a bleeding paw running towards the pet store.

Sirius made to go get him and kill him, but two muggle police officers stopped him.

"LET ME GO!" he screamed. "I WILL AVENGE LILY AND JAMES!"

The police officers dragged him away.

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promised you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

Sirius sat in Azkaban, staring blankly at his cells walls. It didn't mean anything anymore. His life meant absolutely nothing.

James and Lily were dead. Harry was gone. Peter got away. Remus didn't believe him. He was blamed for killing James, Lily, Peter, and a huge assortment of muggles, but he didn't even bloody care.

He could feel a dementor coming towards him and quickly changed into his animagus form. The dreadful feeling still flooded through his body, but it didn't affect him as much as when he was in his human form.

His life meant nothing, but he would stay alive.

Tom the jailor came by and Sirius looked up at him, back in his human form.

"Got a newspaper, Tom?" Sirius asked as amicably as he could. The man looked taken aback, but nodded and handed Sirius the paper. Sirius opened to the section that was now for mentioning the funerals of important people. He wanted to know who had died without the horrible details.

Unlike usual, where there would be several funerals on the first page and about five more on the next two, there was only one joint funeral mentioned on all of the pages.

_Lily and James Potter, Victims of Infamous Killer Sirius Black, Buried in Private Ceremony Held by Albus Dumbledore._

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promised you my heart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

Wanting more? READ AND REVIEW, I'M WORKING ON THE NEXT CHAPTER. CHAPTER 10 OF BHL SHOULD BE OUT TOMORROW.


	2. Back to You Part 1

Hello, hello, hello! Part two of Sirius' life is here! Aren't you just fitfully excited?

Ok, so, change of plans. This will end up being either a four or perhaps even five part series. Believe it or not, this was originally supposed to be a oneshot songfic. Stupid me and not being able to condense.

Pah. 'Tis better this way, I believe.

This chapter ended up being very _long, _so the next chapter is going to be part two of part two… however much sense that made. It's the confrontational scene.

Oh, and though I've been talking to me lawyer, he continues to say that I do not, no matter how much I would like to, own Harry Potter.

Stupid lawyers.

He also says that I did not write 'Back to You.' Some dude named Bryan Adams did, apparently. He says that I have to put something at the beginning of my story like I did last time, so here it is:

I do not own Harry Potter or 'Back to You.' They belong to J.K. Rowling and Bryan Adams respectively.

Damn it.

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_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

_And that's why I'm coming back to you…_

Thirteen years later, Sirius was still lying in jail. He had given up a long time ago. No one would ever believe him. Every ounce of evidence was pointed at him. But, even if the evidence didn't clearly say that he had done it, he would have been in this damned cell anyways. He was a bloody Black.

"Hello, Tom," he said calmly. Tom looked at him the same way he had for 13 years. It was a mix of fear, uncertainty, and admiration. No one had stayed sane for this long in Azkaban. He didn't want to; but Tom respected him for it.

"Hello, Black," Tom greeted him, same as always.

"I've told you a million times not to call me Black, Tom," he said. Tom shrugged his shoulders.

"I can't be on a first-name basis with a prisoner, Black," he responded simply. Sirius sighed and leaned against the wall.

"Done with the paper, Tom?" Tom grunted and handed Sirius the paper through the bars.

"You really are remarkable, you know that, Black?" he asked.

"Yeah, I know. I've known that for a long time," he smirked, scanning through the front page. It was amazing what he knew that these damned reporters didn't. The ministry sure had fallen from grace. He voiced his opinion.

"Black," Tom warned.

"All right, all right. I'll shut up. But you know you agree with me. You especially would if you heard half the stuff that I've heard from Lestrange over there. Still screams at me for being a blood traitor. If she knew why you threw me in here in the first place, she'd probably be congratulating me on a job well done. She hated James and Lily. I never did understand why," Sirius said.

"You killed them, you obviously weren't too fond of them," Tom answered stiffly.

"See now, Tom, you're wrong about two things in that statement. I never killed the Potter's. On the contrary, I would have given up my life for the Potter's. Even now, if I knew Harry was in trouble, I'd give up my life for him in a second. They were the only people who ever cared about me. And I was fond of them," he said quietly. "I loved them. And how could I not? James was the first person who ever accepted me, and Lils was the best woman I've met to this day. And Harry? Like I said, I would still do anything for Harry," Sirius said. There wasn't a hint of anger in his voice, only a touch of disappointment. "I suppose I'll live in this prison until I die, and no matter how long I live, no one will ever believe me about any of that. They can give me all the reasons they want, but I know why. I'm a Black," he said. Tom looked at him.

"I suppose so," he said quietly.

Sirius looked over the front page today. There was a large picture of the Weasley's. Sirius smiled. He hadn't known them at school, as they were several years ahead of the Marauders, but when Lils had gotten pregnant, she and Molly Weasley had spent some time together. He grew rather fond of Molly. She was a sweetheart.

On the front page, there was the whole Weasley clan, and a large clan it was. He looked at all of the red-haired blue-eyed boys and the one red-haired blue-eyed young girl. Charlie was missing, he had heard he worked with dragons in Romania, but the rest of them were all there. Bill, the oldest and wisest, Percy, the stuck-up brat, Fred and George, the mischievous twins he had liked so much when James and he babysat, Ron, the youngest boy and the least noticeable, and Ginny, the baby and the only girl. He had never met Ginny, but she was a pretty young lass. In a while she would be driving the boys crazy. You wouldn't know it to look at her now, but Sirius knew women. Ginny had it in her.

Suddenly, Sirius' eyes went back to Ron. He had a rat in his hands that was desperately trying to get away in the picture. He watched the rat for a bit, amused. Then he noticed something that would change everything.

The rat was missing a finger.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

_Oh God, I'm so stupid, _Sirius thought angrily as he sped away from Azkaban in his animagus form. It wasn't like Sirius to think anything through, but today, he wished that he had some part of Moony instilled in him.

Pah. Who was he kidding? When he had seen Moony everyday, he still acted like a bloody git. It was his job. This had never made him angrier.

As he shot through the forest, he felt the ice cold of dementors over his shoulders. Bloody creatures, he didn't understand why the Ministry thought they could keep these beasts under control. Not like he understood anything about the Ministry anymore. He had stopped trying about seven years ago.

A branch lashed against his fur, and he could feel the hot blood escaping. _Not good, not good, not good! _He thought desperately. He was already underweight, malnourished, weak, tired out of his mind, and now he was losing blood? Curse him and his stupid stubbornness. This is why Moony was going to live to be an old man while the rest of his friends died young. Not a happy old man, but an old man nonetheless.

Sirius realized when he stepped on a thorn that he would be very, very lucky if he managed to make it through the rest of the night.

He was about to stop to sleep for the night, but the dementors came closer. He could feel all of the happiness he had ever felt drain out of his body. He would never make it to Harry on time…

No! 

He could give up on everything else. He could say that he wasn't going to live long; he could say that he would stop living at all, but he could not doubt that he was going to get to Harry. He was going to get to Harry. James and Lily deserved it, he deserved it, Wormtail deserved what would happen to him when the truth came out. But more than anything, the thing that made Sirius transform back into his human form and send those dementors packing had nothing to do with any of his old friends. It had nothing to do with his imprisonment or his mortality, and it had everything to do with a young boy with a scar. A young boy who had no idea he existed.

A young boy named Harry Potter.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

_And that's why I'm coming back to you…_

It must have been two days later when his animagus form dragged itself from out of the forest and into a field where he felt he could rest. He was so tired he almost didn't notice how familiar the field looked, but as he collapsed on the soft grass, he saw something he never thought he would see again.

Hagrid's hut.

All of the pain and tire that he felt immediately melted away. How in the bloody hell had he ended up at Hogwarts? It was protected by charms put on it by Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time! Surely, it wouldn't let random roaming dogs onto the grounds!

With great difficulty, Sirius stood up. Okay, so maybe not _all _of his pain and tire melted away. He could feel himself swaying. He limped over to the hut and heard Fang barking. God, that dog was old.

Sirius could feel himself smiling. He shouldn't have, he had no doubts that if Hagrid came out he would use the remainder of his wand to smash him into oblivion, but after over 17 years, he was back home.

This was home…

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

_And that's why I'm coming back to you…_

Sirius fell to the ground right inside the bushes that separated the grounds of Hogwarts from the Forbidden Forest. He had spent enough time hiding from teachers when he was young to know a place where he wouldn't be seen.

"Hello there, Sirius," someone woke him later. He wasn't sure how long he had slept, but frankly, he wasn't thinking about that. He hadn't changed back, had he? And why was this person greeting him like an old friend? He was probably wanted all over England by now.

In a moment of fleeting lucidity, Sirius looked down at his body. Nope, still furry. Furry and black. He was definitely not in his human form.

"Ah, Sirius, Azkaban has done nothing for your mind. A pity, really. You had a wonderful mind without ever trying to. In fact, I do believe you often found the fact that you didn't have to study annoying, did you not? Wanted to be normal, I believe? So much like him…" the voice trailed off and Sirius looked up. Over him was standing Professor Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of all time.

For a moment, he sat there, dumbfounded. First, how did he find out he was an illegal animagi? He was certain he hadn't known while they were in school, he might have been rather fond of them, but the word 'illegal' rather eliminated the chances of him going easy on them like he usually did. Next, why would he ever let Sirius Black, the convicted (if unfairly and wrongly) killer of Lily and James Potter onto school grounds, especially when their son, the boy he was supposedly still trying to kill, was attending the same school? Then, of course, there was the matter of how he knew that much about Sirius, even after all these years. It was true that Dumbledore had always been inexplicably attached to the Marauders, and it was also true that over the years all of them had come to realize that Professor Dumbledore understood them more than anyone else, except maybe each other, but that was long ago. Besides that, who would ever guess that Sirius Black, the boy who in his school days had drawn so much attention to himself, had always wanted to be normal?

And who the hell was 'him'?

"Ah, Mr. Black, all of your questions will be answered eventually. For now, I would like to take you into my office and heal some of your wounds. Feed you a bit, if you please. As I recall, you especially enjoy steak. I'm sure you haven't had one for over 13 years.

"I suppose it would also help if we discussed why you have only broken out just now, Mr. Black, as you've had the tools to since you were imprisoned."

Sirius transformed back into his human form and looked Professor Dumbledore square in the eye. "I did not kill Lily and James, Worm—Peter Pettigrew did. Peter is still alive. In this school. And he is going to attack Harry. I won't—can't—allow that to happen. Not after all I owe the Potter's."

Sirius had expected Dumbledore to look at him with confusion, but instead he gave him one of his knowing smiles. As a boy, that had always killed him. Today, he had never been happier to see anything in his entire life.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

_And that's why I'm coming back to you…_

Sirius gasped. He looked so much like James. Exactly like James, down to their round glasses and robes that never fit quite right. Except for one thing: his eyes. Those were Lily's eyes—they were still as beautiful as he remembered them to be. It had always been his favorite feature of Lily's. However, that seemed to be one of the only ways he took after his Mum.

It was absolutely astonishing. It wasn't just skin deep, either, because he noticed other things about Harry that reminded him of James. He spent many nights in the dark, cold, abandoned parts of Hogsmead wondering how Harry had the same weird habits as his best friend, the way he ran his fingers through his hair when he got nervous or upset, the way he played with the edges of his cloak when he was bored, the way he gave a warm sort of half-smile when he was upset. It was uncanny how alike they were, and no matter how much time he spent observing his Godson, it was hard for him to believe.

Sirius was watching them at Hogsmeade in his animagus form. God, was he glad Dumbledore was on his side. It would be impossible without the help and guidance of his former Headmaster. The girl and Ron were having some sort of argument, they always seemed to be having some sort of argument, and Harry was determinedly trying to ignore both of them. He was not succeeding too well. The girl and Ron reminded him of James and Lily whenever he saw them, though when the two weren't arguing, he went back to noticing how completely alike James and Harry were.

Today, however, Harry was reminding him of Moony. Moony, having the issues he had with being a werewolf, had only had one girlfriend. Thusly, whenever Sirius showed up with a new gal on his arm (which happened quite frequently), or whenever James and Lily were having a fight (also happening quite frequently), Remus would stick his head in a book and pretend that he didn't notice.

He did a bad job of pretending, too.

"Ron! You are such a prick!" the girl yelled, storming away from the two boys. Ron looked like he was about to explode, and when he turned to Harry for comfort, Harry just shrugged and drug Ron into the Three Broomsticks.

Yup. Acting just like Moony.

Sirius was perfectly content for a moment, almost being able to imagine that he was a professor watching the festivities. He was almost able to imagine that he was that cool professor who never gave anyone but Slytherin's detentions. He was almost able to imagine that Harry knew he was his Godfather, that the wizarding world accepted him, that he was everything he had always secretly hoped to be.

But as he stood on four paws in the snow of Hogsmeade, here only on the trust and goodwill of a professor that had always inexplicably understood him, he knew that was a far away dream.

That had never stopped him from dreaming before.

"I don't know how I'll do it, Harry," he said quietly, "But by the end of the year, you'll know it's me. You'll know every lie and every truth there is to know about me. And I swear to God Harry, I'm going to find you. I'm going to repay Lily and James the best I can—by saving their son.

"And I'm willing to give up everything to do it."

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

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Much thanks for reading. Review please! The next part should be up by the end of the weekend. I think. If my research paper is as easy as I think it's going to be. Now, if you excuse me, I have to stop procrastinating, rewrite the first chapter of BHL, and post the new one, as that was supposed to be up Friday.

Stupid 'sisterly bonding' activities!

Raven 


	3. Back to You Part 2

Hey. Part 2 of Part 2 is up. Wowsers, that makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Wow, you should be proud of me! I got this out _way_ before I expected to.

Unfortunately, my lawyers still seem to think that I don't own HP or 'Back to You.' Stupid lawyers. Don't know nothing about nothing. Never. No way no how.

If you're wondering why I sound less sugar-ed out than usual, it's because I just wrote the opening for BHL and that was horribly sugar high. It just... sort of... wore off? Weird, that doesn't normally happen.

Anyhow, enjoy, and remember, I don't own, and being sued isn't fun.

-

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

"_Expelliarmus!" _Sirius said as Harry and the girl entered the Shrieking Shack. He didn't want to, however Harry had been looking for revenge for 13 years, and at the moment, all of his rage was pointed at him.

He caught the wands of the two kids and stepped towards them, his eyes fixated on Harry. He once again caught himself thinking about how much he looked like James. And now, he knew once and for all that he acted like James, as well. He came for his friend.

"I thought you'd come and help your friend," he said. He hadn't used his voice in a long time, and the words felt foreign in his throat. The only person he had talked to the entire year was Professor Dumbledore, and that was only a select few times. Mostly, he had just stayed in Hogsmeade, eating whatever food he could find. "Your father would have done the same for me. Brave of you, not to run for a teacher. I'm grateful… it will make everything much easier…"

That it would. Harry was very close to killing him. Oh, wait, not close. He had just tried.

Truly, the kid was just like James.

"No, Harry!" the girl shrieked, grabbing his arms. Oh, yes. Lily. In that brief moment, however, this girl was acting the way Lily had interacted with Moony, not Prongs. Interesting. A generation does change a lot.

"If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us too!" Ron said.

Or maybe not.

"Lie down," he said quietly to Ron. No, not much has changed in a generation. "You will damage that leg even more."

"Did you hear me?" Ron said weakly. He was grabbing Harry was he could stand up straight. Stupid kid. His leg was going to be beyond repair, if he kept on being stubborn.

Oh, wow. He was acting like _him. _That was nearly exactly what Sirius would have done in this situation.

"You'll have to kill all three of us!" Ron said. Sirius smiled and had to keep himself from laughing.

"There'll be only one murder here tonight," he said, eyeing Ron's pocket. He knew—he knew—that Wormtail was in that pocket. He was going to bloody _kill _that stupid piece of—

"Why's that? Didn't care last time, did you? Didn't mind slaughtering all those Muggles to get at Pettigrew… What's the matter, gone soft in Azkaban?"

The girl yelled something, as Sirius whispered, "I'd go through anything to get to the person that killed Lily and James."

"HE KILLED MY MUM AND DAD!" Harry screamed, trying to free himself from his friends clutches to get at Sirius. Sirius did nothing, only watched him intently. Harry was bloody mad, and he was the source of his rage, but while he should have been worrying for his life, he could only think of how much he looked like ol' Prongsie.

Harry finally broke out of their grip, came over, and threw a punch at Sirius. The shack broke out into a huge array of screaming. Harry's punches were full of bottled up anger, full of years of suffering, full of everything that Sirius' punches had been full of when they were young, except as Sirius had been a beater, his punches probably hurt a little more.

He'd be sure to ask Regulus that when he died.

Sirius had originally planned on letting Harry pommel him, but he was too weak. He could not let him do this anymore, or he would die.

He would not die without killing Peter first.

"No," he hissed, "I've waited too long—" he didn't even think about what he was doing, he just reached out and started choking Harry. Harry had to get off of him; he had to stop punching him! He was going to kill Peter if it was the last thing he ever bloody did, and he would let no one, not even his Godson, stop him!

He was so rushing with anger and adrenaline that he didn't even notice the girl's foot until it had made contact with his face. Sirius immediately let go of Harry and fell back, grunting with pain. Ron jumped onto his wand hand and extracted his wand while Harry seemed to find his own wand.

Shit.

"Argh!" Harry cried out in pain. Sirius looked up in time to see the cat sink its claws into Harry's arm. Harry tossed him off, and the cat immediately made towards Harry's wand.

"NO YOU DON'T!" Harry yelled, kick at it. The cat leapt aside and Harry missed. While the cat hissed and carried on, Harry grabbed his wand and starting walking towards Sirius.

"Get out of the way!" Harry said to Ron and Hermione. His voice—if it was like his father's—was dangerously low. Apparently, his voice gave him away as well as James' had, as the girl and Ron immediately sidestepped for him. The girl was in a bad state, but she managed to scramble out of the way, having enough sense to grab her wand as well as Ron's. Ron managed to get away looking very sick and carrying his broken leg.

Stupid kid. Exactly like Sirius when he was younger, and this was what he had to show for having to be brave all the time.

Harry's wand lowered so that it was directly level with Sirius' heart. He could feel it beating uncontrollably, threatening to break out of his chest. His Godson… right here… and he couldn't even touch him…

"Going to kill me, Harry?" he whispered. He wanted Harry to answer 'yes.' He wanted him to come up to him, hit him with the Killing Curse, and have the whole ordeal be over. If it could have been over just like that, Sirius would have pushed him to it. Instead, when he was lying there, his life completely in the hands of a young boy who blamed him for the deaths of his parents (and rightfully so, in Sirius' mind), he looked over at Ron.

Peter would _never _get away with what he did to James and Lily.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

"You killed my parents," Harry said, his voice just barely above a whisper. His voice was shaking. Despite himself, Sirius smiled a bit. He was calming down.

Just as he always had when he was with his Godfather…

He stared up at Harry calmly, watching him intently. He would tell him the truth, now, before he killed him. He would then murder that bloody traitor—make him reveal himself and kill him.

Long, hard, painful death.

"I don't deny it. But if you knew the whole story," Sirius said. Great, now he was at a loss for words. Exactly. Perfect. He had always lost his mouth in the worst possible times.

"The whole story?" Harry repeated. He sounded like he was going to murder, which, Sirius reminded himself, he was probably mentally preparing himself to do now. "You sold them to Voldemort," Harry's voice cracked and he closed his eyes for just a moment, "That's all I need to know."

"You've got to listen to me," Sirius said. "You'll regret it if you don't… you don't understand…." No, he didn't. How did Sirius even expect him to understand? He understood what people had told him: that he had killed his parents. That he had been his father's best friend and he had gone behind his back and ratted him out to Voldemort. How far away from the truth it was.

The truth was that Sirius didn't trust himself. He never had. Whether it was in friendship, love, school, he had never trusted himself. That stupid lack of self-confidence that everyone thought he possessed so much of cost him the death of his best friend. Cost him the death of the only woman he had ever really respected. Cost him the love of his only Godson.

"I understand a lot better than you think," Harry said. His voice was shaking uncontrollably now. "You never heard her, did you? My mum… trying to stop Voldemort killing me…" he remembered. _He remembered. _Sirius turned his head. He could not look at Harry. He loved him much too much to hear this. He had caused so much pain, and he was about to cause more. This would break the foundation of his life! He was about to turn everything upside down!

He was about to stop, tell Harry that yes, he did understand. He understood completely. He was so close to just letting Harry kill him, but at that moment, Ron whimpered.

Sirius' eyes darted over to the boy crumpled in the corner. There was a bulge in the pocket of his jacket.

No.

Peter would not get away.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

"And you did that… you did it…." Harry said, his eerily empty voice echoing in Sirius' head. He did it, he did it, he did it. He was the reason James was dead. He was the reason he would never hear Lily's laugh again, he was the reason Harry was living in hell like he was. If it weren't for him, they would still be alive! If it weren't for him, Moony would have been the secret keeper. Moony would have believed in himself.

Suddenly, Sirius felt something big and fluffy land on his chest. He looked up at it. It was the cat.

"Get off," he said, trying to push the damned cat off of his chest. The thing wouldn't budge. He tried again, but then looked up at Harry. He was having a battle with himself.

Harry was frozen, staring at Sirius with confusion and contempt. He couldn't kill him.

Sirius heard footsteps walking towards them…

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

"WE'RE UP HERE! WE'RE UP HERE—SIRIUS BLACK—QUICK!" Sirius could have killed her. He could have told Harry right then and there, and it all would have been over. No, she had to go and get someone else into the mix. Stupid, stupid girl!

So much like Lily!

It reminded him why he had been so disappointed when Lily had finally accepted a date with James.

The door flew open and there stood Moony. Sirius would have been happy, but he knew he had always believed that Sirius was guilty. He looked down. Suddenly, the last words he had expected to hear came out of Moony's mouth.

"_Expelliarmus!"_

Wait, what? Why wasn't he killing him? He looked up at Moony to see him watching him quite intently.

"Where is he, Sirius?" he asked, his voice sounding low, tortured, and dangerous.

It took Sirius a moment to understand what Remus was saying. How did he even…?

He pointed at Ron slowly. He followed Sirius' finger. When he saw Ron, he became visibly confused.

"But then..." Moony pondered, staring at Sirius intently. He could feel Moony trying to get inside his mind, but he blocked him. That seemed to puzzle Moony even more, but then a look of realization came over his face. "Why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless—unless _he _was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?"

Sirius could feel his chest bursting with happiness, but he tried not to show it. He just nodded.

"Professor," Harry said, "what's going on--?" his voice stopped in his throat as Moony walked over to Sirius, grabbed his hand, and pulled him into a tight embrace, like they were brothers.

Or maybe like they were Marauders.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you… 

Sirius felt the wind in his hair, and for the first time in a long time, he felt free. In all truth, he wasn't. The entire world was looking for him—not just the magic part, the muggles, too. God, Pettigrew had caused a lot of trouble when he blew himself up.

It wasn't in complete happiness that Sirius flew away from Hogwarts that night. Of course it wasn't. It never could be. He could never be truly, blissfully happy after what Pettigrew had done, but he could come close.

He had just come closer than he ever thought he would.

Never, never in all of his years of rotting in Azkaban, did he think Moony would catch on so quickly. He didn't know why he hadn't, he had always known Moony was a genius, but he never thought that he would understand. After all, he never did forgive him for what he had done to Snape all those years ago. Not like he blamed him for it. He wouldn't forgive himself, either.

Sirius raised his head from Buckbeak's feathers to get a last look at the school that he loved more than anything. He was leaving home again. No matter how long he was away, Hogwarts would be his home. No bed would ever feel right like his dorm bed had; no room would ever be as familiar as the Gryffindor Common Room. No matter how old he got, in this place he would be a child. He would be a Marauder.

He would be Padfoot.

_I've been down—I've been beat_

_I've been so tired that I could not speak_

_I've been so lost that I could not see_

_I wanted things that were out of reach_

_Then I found you and you helped me through_

_And you showed me what to do_

And that's why I'm coming back to you…

-

Ok, 'Back to You' is now kaput. Next chapter will be 'Goodbye to You' by Michelle Branch, if I follow my plan. I might not. Just a warning.

PLEASE REVIEW, and thanks much for reading! (Syrus Fanatic 4-Ever gets a cookie for reviewing last time, and extra stuff for complimenting my writing skills so much! I FEEL LOVED! HOORAH!)You, too, can get cookies if you review... so REVIEW!

-Raven 


	4. Goodbye to You

…

I… uh…

No excuses. Well, yes, I do have excuses, but none of them are good excuses. So… I'm sorry?

Good news: the series is finished!

Bad news: the series is finished!

Reviews: I enjoy them a lot.

This starts out really, really light, but I figured we needed a couple bursts of funny before… you know… the bad stuff happens.

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_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

Sirius stared at the wall of his room at Grimauld Place. Good God, how long could he stand to look at this bloody wall? There were exactly 42 places on this wall that were chipped. Slightly, hardly noticeable at all, but he had seen them, damn it. And one of these days, he was going to take a bloody sledgehammer to this wall. Not magic it away—oh no. That would not be nearly satisfying enough. He wanted to smash it, smash it with his own two hands.

Oh, God, he was pathetic.

All of the anger that had boiled up in him after all these years was being directed at a wall. Sirius sighed and kicked at it half-heartedly.

Stupid wall.

No, not a stupid wall. A stupid bloody house! Stupid bloody house with a door that was very, very stubbornly closed. It would not open. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how he attempted to pry it open, it would not budge. The goddamn wall was going to drive him in-bloody-sane.

Of course, that implied that he was sane before he started trying to pry the door off.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

Sirius closed his eyes in frustration. That could not be true. Harry could not have fallen for that! He had not gone to the Ministry because he thought Voldemort had him! How did he think that they got him, anyways? This damned house was impenetrable!

He didn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it! Harry was brash, he acted on impulse and emotions—he was practically the living incarnation of James—but he wouldn't do something that dumb! Harry was not always the cleverest of wizards, but surely, Hermione was with him. And if Harry might fall for a trick as simple as that, Hermione wouldn't!

But yet there they were. He knew it. He could feel it. Harry was in danger. When he was in Azkaban, he had had the very same feeling too many times to count, but he could do nothing about it. Now, though, now that he was out, he would be damned if Harry's blood was drawn on his account…

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

"DAMN IT, YOU CURSED HOUSE, YOU!" Sirius screeched as he, once again, attempted to throw himself out of a bottom-story window. "The bloody doors won't open for me, and the windows are made out of that muggle stuff, the bendy stuff, rubbour, or something of the like! GRAH! Dumbledore shouldn't have thought this out so well!" Sirius screamed angrily as he once again catapulted himself towards the window, and once again bounced back into the wall.

Sirius was backing up to try getting out of the window again, but as he pressed himself against the stone of his old house, ready to propel himself into the muggle crap again, he stopped and sighed deeply. It was incredibly, amazingly ironic that he was, once again, trying to escape from this house. For such a short while, this house had held all of the answers… for such a short while, it had felt immeasurably happy…

He could almost hear the laughter, the ringing voices. The faint smell of Molly's cooking went fleetingly through his nose, and the image of Harry sitting at the dining room table flashed through his brain. How few memories there were of happiness at this place.

Before he could place his displeasure, a completely different image floated through his senses. There was Regulus's faint crying ringing through his five-year-old ears, his father's loud, abrasive voice assaulting the quiet that rung through the present-day Grimauld place. An old, musty smell wafted into his nose, the smell that he had so desperately tried to get rid of over the last year. In front of him, he could see, so clearly, his father, slumped over in her chair, bottle of firewhiskey in his hand. And he could see Kreacher, the devil, giving him more. The old, musty smell was quickly replaced by the all-too familiar scent of a drunken breath.

This place had always been a prison. Even when he wanted to be like his family, even when he was sure he was destined to be a Slytherin walking in his father's shadow forever, there had always been something that he wanted, needed, beyond these thick, stone walls. Before, a solid wall of fear had stopped him from exploring what he knew he needed. Now there was only a solid wall of magic, and a thin layer of muggle blubber, or whatever the hell it was.

With renewed confidence, Sirius took out his wand and started firing spells.

He was halfway through 'bombarda' when he realized it took him nearly twelve years to demolish the first wall.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

All of the pain that he was feeling was completely, totally worth it. Everything that he had thrown into knocking the shit out of that bloody window was worth it. He wasn't even sure how he had gotten that rubbour on his window to break, but somehow, he had.

Now, however, he was sitting on his front lawn, his rump sore and his hair in wild disarray. To make things worse, he was in the middle of a muggle neighborhood, and he had just appeared out of nowhere, screaming, and falling through an invisible flubbour window.

Oh, good fuck.

Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…

Sirius ran into the Ministry at a screaming pace, wondering where in the hell security could possibly have been lose enough to let in a bunch of kids, not to mention Voldemort and a huge array of his followers, into the building. He didn't know where in the hell that was. Being a convict didn't help matters, he supposed, but if Voldemort wasn't on the top of the Ministry's most wanted, he had no idea who was.

Behind him, he could hear Remus, Tonks, Moody, and Kingsley's footsteps, pounding against the hard floor. With a deep sigh, Sirius looked around the corner of the dark, tall building. He had no idea how Harry and his mates had gotten into it. Sirius was about to scream bombarda for about the thousandth time that day and most likely get himself caught when he saw something out of the corner of his eye.

That was not Buckbeak on the roof.

Oh God, Harry sure as hell was James' son.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

Harry was an idiot. That's all there was to it. His Godson was an idiot. He could not believe that he was about to do something as stupid as hand over the prophecy to Malfoy and dear cousin Bella, of all people. It was so bloody stupid.

He had never been more proud.

If James were alive, yes, if James were alive this would be the defining moment of his fatherhood. Seeing Harry ready to give up himself, give up his cause, give up everything that he held over Voldemort to save his friend. Sirius was furious, but he had never known that Harry was truly James' son like he knew now.

God bless Nymphadora Tonks.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

He wasn't sure when he had been drawn into the fray of things, all he knew was that he was now. A stream of green light sailed by his head, and he ducked quickly, cursing under his breath. Oh yeah, he was definitely in the fray of things now.

With stealth he hadn't known he possessed, Sirius tried to back up against a wall so he could survey the situation. Being the brash person he was, he was just sort of fighting before he could even tell what was going on. Harry could be dead, for all he knew of the situation. Okay, well, not quite, because there would be a lot more hubbub if Harry were dead, but he could have missed a lot.

Just as he was scanning the room for Remus, (God, he couldn't let Remus get hurt again, not poor Moony, not after all he had been through), he saw Bellatrix shooting spells out of her wand like there was no tomorrow. Sirius wasn't sure what got into him, but seeing Bellatrix like that… She… She, of all of his cousins, was completely evil. She disregarded everything good about humanity, she ignored the laws that all humans should follow. In a nutshell, Bellatrix thrived off of pain, relished innocent blood, and, above all else, lived to serve her master.

With a heavy pain in his gut, Sirius realized that it could have been him, blindly following what he believed was right, flourishing because of other's pain…

A stream of red light was shooting towards him, and he deftly dodged it, nearly laughing with glee.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled back at Bellatrix. Though the laughter never left his eyes, as soon as the words escaped his lips he knew he shouldn't have said that. Bellatrix's almost-black eyes turned into slits. He could almost imagine them turning red with rage.

Another stream…

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

"HE—IS—NOT—DEAD!" Harry screamed as Remus tried to contain him. Remus's voice sounded tired and worn in Harry's ears, but he hardly registered the strain that it contained. Remus dragged him away, wanting to tell James's poor son that everything would be all right, that everything happened for a reason, that the world was not just cruel—it was cruel with cause.

Harry racked his mind for reasons why Sirius wasn't coming out from behind the curtain. With shocking, utter defeat, he realized that there wasn't any reason at all. There was no reason why Sirius wouldn't come out from behind that curtain. Sirius loved him more than anyone in the world. Years of dedication to his father followed by years of Azkaban… and when he finally got out, it was only by his will to see Harry. To see his Godson, the Boy Who Lived—despite all odds. Sirius had never hid from him before, had never made him wait for him before. Whenever Harry had needed him, Sirius was there—or trying to be there. And if he were truly alive behind that curtain, he would have come to assure him that he really was alive already.

Harry didn't feel himself stop struggling. He didn't feel the embrace that Remus pulled him into. He didn't hear the clatter and the worn screams ringing through the devastated stone room. The bouncing spells flew around he and Remus, and though he normally would've been the first to ward them off, Lupin had to do all the work. Harry searched through his heart, through his brain, through anything he could access to find signs of his Godfather. If he was alive, surely he could feel it… but all he felt was searing emptiness and unmasked pain. Pain that made him reel with regret, that made him cringe with it's unbridled, scorched sting. It was an ache that resonated throughout all that he could see… walls that looked grey, sounds that seemed empty, words that meant nothing at all. The room smelled of his shaggy black coat after a rainstorm, Lupin's hair felt like his after a bath… Everything in the room was Sirius, and yet everything in the room was a barrier between him and Sirius.

He had heard it said that people went numb when things went wrong. As he felt the pain engulfing his senses, felt his eyes sting with the threatening of acid, heard his heart pounding louder and louder with each passing second, he desperately wished he were one of those people. He wished with all of his remaining will that he couldn't still hear his Mum's screams, that he couldn't see his Father running out of their house. He wished his scar didn't hurt whenever something reminded him of these thoughts. He wished that everything about that night wasn't pounded into his brain and that no amount of prying could get it out.

He wished that screams didn't haunt his dreams. He wished that he hadn't seen so much death. He wished that fatal night had gone just a bit differently…

Was it really so bad to wish he had died that night? Was it really so bad to wish that his mother had succumbed to Voldemort and let him die? It was times like these, when Lupin, barely standing up himself, had to drag Harry away from the spot where Sirius fell, away from the spot where all hopes of ever having a good life shattered before his fifteen-year-old eyes, that he thought everyone would have been better off if he had just died that night. And even if everybody wouldn't have been better off, he would have been.

Harry felt his heart beating in his throat, but that was about the only thing he felt. He was vaguely aware of Lupin's arm on his shoulder, but everything else had blended into his chaotic thoughts. He hated that he remembered so much about the night he became the Boy Who Lived. But that wasn't the only thing about himself that he hate. He hated that he had disliked Cedric so much in his life and admired him so much in his death. He hated that he desperately wanted to shake off Lupin's arm. He hated that he wasn't a good enough friend. He hated that he got all these things he didn't deserve. He hated that he acted like a brat to his friends. He hated how he always acted on his emotions and never on his thoughts. He hated that he wasn't a good enough wizard to save everyone.

He hated that he was too much of a coward to go and hold the body of his Godfather, hold the source of the only parental love he had ever experienced. He hated that though he was a Gryffindor as surely as his Father was, he was too big a coward to do what he wanted—needed—to do so badly.

A curtain would never stop Sirius from reaching him.

A prison never stopped him.

Being on the run never stopped him.

Certain hatred, certain fear, certain pain never stopped him. To Sirius, Harry was all there ever was. There used to be James. And when there was James, there was Lily and Remus and Wormtail, too. But without James, his whole world had been Harry. And he would've given that world up to see Harry's face one last time…

But Harry? Harry couldn't even pry himself from Lupin's grip and go confirm what he was sure he already knew—that behind that curtain, there was his very dead Godfather. He couldn't bring himself to move a curtain to see the only father he had ever known, and for it, he hated himself more than ever.

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…_

"Harry?" Ron asked tentatively a few weeks later. He gently pushed open Harry's door and walked in. Harry lifted his head and almost spoke before turning over on his side. Ron, un-phased, walked over to his bed and sat down.

"Come on, Harry," he said pleadingly, hoping that he could get his best friend out of bed for once.

"Ron," Harry said quietly.

"What?"

"Every time… it's…"

"It's not your fault, Harry," Ron said quietly. There was a squeak by the door, and they both looked up to see Hermione standing there, tired and looking as though she hadn't eaten for as long as Harry.

"Harry," she said softly, before going up to sit on his bed with Ron.

"It is my fault," he said.

"Harry…"

"Every time I've ever had a father, a mother… every time I love them, every time I know I would do anything for them, they die. And every time, it's my fault."

Neither Ron nor Hermione said anything.

Black eyes burned in Harry's brain. The shock on Sirius's face haunted his mind. That wand flew across his vision over and over again. His mother's screams… his father's voice… but then above everything, there was Sirius's laugh…

_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything that I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...  
_

FIN.

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It's all done…

Review, please.


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